Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.