inventing words: clothing
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day