Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!