hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
You Might Also Like
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I am never leaving this website
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader