For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family