hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
everyone’s a critic
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….