“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.