“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
No. YOU-buprofen.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
5 ways to appear taller
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.