“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night