I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
You Might Also Like
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money