WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”