Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”