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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that