@robfee: Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
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@KKBowls: My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"
@Jesssicle: Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
@turbomanatee: I didn't know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
@Poutymcgee: I just Googled "Living with Glaucoma" before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.