*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?