“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Oops I deleted….
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.