Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose