Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
when dads have a rap battle
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.