Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Strange
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Möther may I have a snäck
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
A drum solo but on your face.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon