Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Clients after you give them your rates
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped