Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
next level snooze
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.