Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.