@AimeeHelene1: Hi, I'm a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I'm gonna fly in this lady's face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
@bulls_horns: 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
@pleatedjeans: [1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
@Flattliner: Whoever said that blood is thicker than water is plainly a) Fond of stating the obvious, and b) Not a member of my family.