Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Thank you corporation very cool
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
liiiiiiiiike