“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Got ya covered
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.