Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Finally!
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Guys, I found it.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.