Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
become ungovernable
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.