Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not today. 😅
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???