I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.