It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity