Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror