“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
huge if true: the moon
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
For the baby who has everything
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED