If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.