Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.