@specialhug: Hi. I'm Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
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@Marcmywords2: The family you've pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
@xofreckles: Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
@subtweetopath: Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Well that’s great! Me: Your luggage is outside.
@VapingSonic: [meeting] Bill: we'll call it BILLOSOPHY Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again