Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
wait.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*