Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why