Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.