Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus