2022 will be better than 2021
You Might Also Like
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant