I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for