Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
girls literally only want one thing..
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping