@pizza_dragon: Hi kids I'm Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you're a professional SWAT member on a bus that's about to blow up
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@aveuaskew: Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
@dshack8: My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
@DanMentos: [first date] *emptying jar of coins into coinstar* "almost done" so where are we going after this? "what"