Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.