*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The days of good grammer has went
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.