Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
for all #parents out there
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank