“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.