I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.