mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
You Might Also Like
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“No way.” -Jose
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.