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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Put this video in the Louvre
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Don’t snitch tag.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Yup
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do