Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect