once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway