@KevinFarzad: Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?
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@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
@JDotComma: I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.
@AndyAsAdjective: [team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
@kibblesmith: Nice try "Marco Rubio" — or should I say... [rearranges letters] "BIRAC UBOMA" [audience gasps]