my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.