hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea